Letters 

Over the year that this web page has been up I have received a lot of mail from men and women all over the world.  Some were encouraging, some were heart wrenching in their pain and confusion.  I saved each and every letter only to lose them in a computer crash.  I have only a few left that I would like to share with you.  You are not alone out here, around every corner there is a woman that can relate to you and your pain.  I have edited many of these to protect the writer.  To each of you that took the time to write me, thank you. Your words were often the catalyst that kept me pushing forward in my work, chasing my dreams.  If I can do this, anyone can.  Keep your eyes forward, the future is there and it is free of the abuse you once knew.  If I could hug each of you, I would.  So know you are HUGGED!!  Anyone that would like to write me, please do, at Walkingdarkland@bizland.com

This letter from a young woman in Australia  made me cry, and brought much joy to my day.

Oct 23, 1999

Hi,

I am a teenager from Australia who has been suffering from physical and mental abuse from my father for as long as I can remember.  My first memory is being kicked down a flight of stairs and then being made to stand outside covered in mud until it dried and cracked on my skin.  My Mum tells me that I was two when this happened.

For years I have begged my Mum to leave him, and once she did, and took me with her, but when he found us, he persuaded her to go back to him, and when we did, he hit her.  I began to think that as long as he could hit me, then he would not hit my Mum, and so I let him.

I recently looked on your site, for some advice, and for once, I felt like what I was reading was real, it had so much emotion enclosed in the words.  As much as it hurt to read, (I could not read it all), it also made me realize that I couldn't live my life as a pillow for my father to throw around and beat whenever he felt like it.  So I told the police. 

After a month and two weeks, justice was served.  I don't plan to see him again for the rest of my life, but if I do, it will be a minimum of 4 years from now.

Thank you.  My Mum and I have started seeing a psychologist ( sorry, cant spell) to help us through this, and to help put behind us the terror which we have had to live with for the past 17 years.

I now plan to study psychology at Uni and open a counseling and refuge house for sufferers of abuse.

Thank you again, I owe you my life.  Literally.

T

This young woman saved her own life, and that of her Mum's.  My words only helped bring clear what she needed to do.  I am proud and humbled to have been of help in any way when she was making her decision. Leaving and taking control of the situation is the hardest.  My hat is off to this young woman for taking that control and helping her Mum and her have a better life.  ANY OF YOU CAN DO THE SAME.

This letter shows the power and cleansing tears can bring.  Though we may not like to cry, it is the release we often need to keep going.  The tears will slow over time, but they will never go away.  Even now, after three years, I still find myself crying in the middle of the night when I have struggled with bills, kids and all the pressures being the sole breadwinner and supporter of my little family can bring.  I feel the loneliness and often abandoned by those I love. But each day that I strive forward is a day of victory.  I can only encourage each and everyone of you to take it day by day.  No more, no less.

8/29

I just visited your site and it did make me cry the first time I have cried in months.  I too am just now leaving an abusive relationship after 13 years.  I had found evidence that my husband was doing drugs while he was passed out at a friends, only when I called the law did I find out that not only was he using that he was manufacturing drugs.  I thought that the evidence that they found would be enough to put him in jail but the DA did not want to pursue it since it was also tied into a divorce.  I was in hope that this would at least put him in jail for a while so I would not have to look over my shoulder every time I went out of the house.  I am so angry at the system.  Its not only me.  I go to group once a week and I see other women suffering the injustice of our so called justice and it makes me hurt inside.  I hope you find a publisher for your works, because the only way to educate the people is to tell our stories no matter how graphic and horrible the truth is.  I'm glad I found your site.  May God be with you in all your endeavors.

I also began my escape when my husband was in jail.  I thought the system would keep him tied up until I could safely get away and start a new life.  He was booked on violation of probation, grand theft, and possession of drug paraphernalia.  The system lost part of his charges and released him in the middle of the night, and he broke into the back of the  house at 4am, terrifying me when I woke to his standing over my bed.  His parents came and got him, for I gave him two choices.  Go to them, or back to jail.  He didn't want to go back to jail.  Later he blamed me for his arrest, saying I set him up.  I expected nothing less.  It was his pattern.  He would blame me for all his short comings and troubles with the law.  One thing I learned.  I will check on criminal history before becoming involved with anyone again.  Had I done so before I married, I would have found a violent and lawless history behind my husband.  A man that had absolutely no respect for the law.  He was an abuser all the way around.  He abused the system, he abused me, and he abused his family.  

10/10

I read everything on your web page and loved it all.  I, too, am a survivor of abuse, both as a child and in marriage.  I am 44 and have only started living for 4 years now.  it has taken many years of therapy to help me get through this, but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I am going to college and getting a master's degree in social work.  I am also a parent to two wonderful daughters.  I hope to someday be a therapist or run a crisis center.

I said that I am a survivor of abuse, but I want to someday be a celebrant of life, that is my goal.  I no longer want to survive, I want to live life fully.  Web pages like yours and knowing I am not alone help.  

Thank you for taking time to make your web page available to all who need it.

Sincerely,

GM

This last letter shows with crystal clarity the effects, emotionally, that living in abuse can have.  This woman, courageous enough to leave her situations now struggles with low self-esteem, nightmares, debt from her marriage. Leaving doesn't stop the pain we suffer, it just allows us to begin to find our way out of the darkness of abuse into the light of living a wholesome and happy life.  Putting abuse behind us is often a daily step. We recover one day at a time.

10/29

Just viewed your web page.

I am struggling with recovery from my husbands abuse. I stayed for 32 years. I filed for a divorce a year ago, and still haven't gotten it.  I moved to another state because I was afraid he would kill me.  My four children suffered from him, too. 

Right now, I am not doing well.  I am falling apart.  I hate him.  I never loved him.  I married him because I was pregnant by him. He first beat me up and gave me a bloody nose when our oldest, now 33, was five months old.  I threw my life away for all the usual reasons.  Now I have to rebuild what I have left.

I just wish my parents had told me they knew and that I could have come home.  They didn't want to "interfere".  Is it interfering to try to save your daughters life?

I have no self-esteem.  I have nightmares and scream in my sleep.  I set myself up for failure all the time.  I take no win jobs and let employers abuse me.  I have saves the Monsters credit at the expense of mine.  I am in awful debt.  The divorce will give me nothing, because there is nothing left.  He took the stock portfolio and liquidated it all.  By now, he has either well hidden it or lost it all in the market.

I start counseling on Tuesday.  I hope and pray that I can be whole again.  I have this tape in my head that calls me a FAT, UGLY BITCH!  I have to get rid of it.

Eight months ago, I began dating a wonderful man.  In August, he asked me to marry him, even though I am still married.   We were engaged for 2 1/2 months before he broke it off two weeks ago.  He said he feels like every time he took a step forward, he had to drag me.  He says he wants me strong, well, healthy, and independent, and that I am not ready for a relationship right now.  He says we can try again when I get well.  I screamed  all day today, calling myself FAT, UGLY BITCH!  I am nearly immobilized. I tasted happiness and lost it.  Failure again.

Anyway, I wanted to write to you and tell you how much I appreciated what you are doing. People who haven't been there just don't understand how it is.  Abuse makes you into someone you don't want to be. It makes you someone you don't like, either.

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